Motherhood. One month in.

Who kept Noah safe from harm?
Who brought him safely through the storm?
Who kept his promise? Yes it's true!
Who does just what he says he'll do

Yes, God's the one. And guess what too?
Yes, God's the one.
He does just what he says he'll do.

Little one, in the storm, God cares for you.

Little one, in the storm, he will keep you safe from harm.
Little one in the storm, God cares for you.

My sister gave me the "Rain for Roots" album a few weeks ago. It's an album of bible stories put to the sweetest little songs...it's of course for kids. Except I've listened to it about 100X in the last week and maybe cried at how much it speaks to my heart in this current season (i mean, see above lyrics)
I'm currently wearing my baby while i type because it's the only way to get a thing done around here these days.
My baby...who is a month old today. One whole month! I'm heartbroken and relieved all at the same.
I love him so much it hurts.
No, like it physically hurts.
I stare at him and am overwhelmed with both love, and the fears of all that could happen to him. I feel completely and soley responsible to keep him alive and to protect him. To protect his physical being, his emotional state, and his heart and spirit. I've never looked at the world, or lets be real, my own house, as such a treacherous place to be and live. But it seems that I can turn just about everything in my home into a threat to my child's life. I mean, the ants that i keep finding in random places in my house, like on my bedspread...certainly those suckers are carrying some deadly disease that they could pass to my child with their ginormous fangs right? And that window just above his bassinet? What if a burglar, or ya know, a bird! breaks through that window, shattering glass all over him. Or lets say by the grace of God, he does make it through his first year, surely all of the furniture in our house that isn't bolted to the ground could fall on top of him and crush him.
You think I'm kidding. I've thought through all of these scenarios. You can send my husband a 6 pack of beer or a plane ticket to Mexico as a way of saying, "I'm sorry motherhood made your wife crazy."

Motherhood is everything and nothing that i thought it would be.
I love the little noises he makes. My favorite is this little gasp after he yawns. When he sneezes, his arms fly up in the air--i wonder if my arms would do the same if i didn't hold them down. He also never sneezes just once, but at least 3 times and as many as 5. it's the cutest.
He gets the hiccups like 9 times a day. Also the cutest.
Sometimes i look at him and see me, a little tiny boy version of me. With my blue eyes, set far apart and my stubby nose. And other times I'm sure that he is 100% my husband, with his perfect little mouth and auburn hair. I love how he holds his hands clasped together when he sleeps. I love the weight of his body on my chest. He is the best miracle there has ever been. I literally love everything about him.
How can i love everything about him, but at the same time, question whether having a baby was the worst decision every made? Its confusing.
Yesterday, i didn't want to be a mom anymore. I actually had the thought--"mmmya...maybe this isn't for me." That feeling has mostly left me today, and in it's place....guilt.
I've had mastitis for the last few days. which means that i have been on antibiotics. Those antibiotics have upset the baby's tummy causing him to literally be inconsolable at times and only happy if i wear him- and sometimes not even then.
I had been giving him probiotics to help his tummy digest, but of course, between the intense boob pain, fevers and body aches, had forgotten to give them to him the last few days since i started the antibiotic. Which also makes me feel guilty and wonder if i could have avoided the tummy issues all together.
This morning when Kyle offered to take him for a bit, i thought, sure..but it doesn't really matter, because I'm going to have to nurse him again in another hour--and even if i didn't nurse him, I'd have to pump otherwise my boobs would explode. (sorry for the visual)
So I'm just feeling a little trapped all of a sudden. Like its impossible for me to get out of this "situation" I've gotten myself into.
I've known all of this for quite some time--that i really am no longer my own, but my body now belongs to this tiny emperor. But for whatever reason, it just now seems to be settling in. It took one month to the day.
Blame it on the sleep deprivation, or the 103 degree fever--but the fact still remains: I'm trapped into being a mother for the rest of my days.
I actually had the thought that maaaaybe i should just give the baby back to where he came from...just for like a day. Or maybe 12 hours.
While we are wishing for things. Id like to be skinny again too please.
Like I said, motherhood is everything and nothing i thought it would be.

A few days after we had gotten home from the hospital with this tiny human, who came three weeks early, and would therefore allow me to say on a daily basis in defense of my irrational anxiety and worry, "but he shouldn't even be here yet!"--my daddy reminded me, it's actually not my responsibility to keep him alive. God's the one. It's actually not my job to protect him. God's the one. It is only my job to pray for him, and to do the best that i can with what God has given me. So good news. Pressure's off. God's the one. And guess what too? He does just what he says he'll do.

Also. Motherhood is the best. THE BEST. I wouldn't trade it for anything this side of heaven. It's hard. But what is good that isn't hard? The answer is not much. And Motherhood? It's the hardest. Because it's the best.